He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
