i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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