just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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