Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
