I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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