Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
