Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
