Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
