You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
