The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
