u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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