My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
