I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You ruined the universe
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
