so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize