You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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