Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
