You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize