Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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