I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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