I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
