she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
