so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
