I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
