Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
