I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
