I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
