Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
