I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
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