My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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