dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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