Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
