What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
