3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
