He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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