Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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