Someone shit on the floor
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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