just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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