How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
