life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
