i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
