Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize