day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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