hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
