so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
