Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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