ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
