Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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