Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
