Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I would fuck him just for his dog
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