his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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