I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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