Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Pants are for mortals
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
