why didn't you poke me back
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize