dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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