my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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