my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I got inside last night via doggy door
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
