Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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