Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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